Colors

I am rapidly approaching 35. Since my birthday falls in February I become reflective in January, spurred on by the heavy New Year’s Resolution campaigns waging war on my social media feeds. It’s amazing how proportionally unbalanced my life has become with the advent of social media. These days, it is my primary source of information. Information about views, opinions, how friends and acquaintances are; and the occasional stalking of a former Frenemy to see what’s happened to them over the years (to validated if my life path has somehow proved better.)

In the last five years I’ve become a recluse, far more isolated from the relationships and activities that used to define my daily life. It began like most things do, unobtrusively. It hid in places such as the busy-ness of a hospitality career, hours spent in the gym, missed rsvp’s to activities then weddings then baby showers. I began to wonder if I had become hidden in the background of everyone’s lives. Present yet forgotten. Then there were no more rsvp’s, my posts received a handful of likes, my phone battery stayed charged for days, birthday texts instead of birthday visits.

Then Jonny- stalwart and kind- arrived in my life and pulled me from my slump, just in time to keep watch while I battled my own health problems and life struggles for a time. I became guarded in my personal life. I didn’t seek to join or belong to any communities in the small social space I occupied. I preferred not to cultivate relationships among peers. Especially work. That avenue had long turned bitter and sour--no longer ever an outlet. So I turned inward.

I read quotes all the time about how our history is not our future; who we have been, is not who we need to be now. I’ve long believed we are always on a path of creating who we are. We are constantly evolving into a new person. What we surround ourselves with, are influenced by, these forces are always molding us.

For a time, much longer than I should've allowed myself "this is just a bad year", I felt disappointment at my life’s path, at the seclusion I experienced. Those cumulative excuses and reasons over the years added up to a new, reclusive me I didn't want to be. Sadness descended at the realization two things pivotal to measuring Success were sources of shame. Thinking of marriage, those I invited wouldn’t fill the space of even my favorite room- the kitchen. Thinking far into the future of my funeral, I imagined heads randomly clustered amongst the third, fourth and fifth pews, the first and second empty (in my religion, we shy away from sitting in the front rows when we can help it.)

 My Masterpiece is in danger of being painted missing the whole width and breath of the rainbow. People are the color in which the canvas of my life is painted. Their experiences, their lives, all the wins and all the losses,their way of seeing the world enriches me, inspires me to create a rich and vivid picture of life to be shared. This is my legacy, the Success I seek.

As an introvert, I don’t like being overly social. I prefer meaningful exchanges with people. I've had to sacrifice as much as I've gained to exchange a busy schedule for a slower life filled with time to reflect, cook, spend time with people I care about, go on a trip, work on hobbies and take a nap if I so choose. This is how I want to live my life.

In my 34^th year, I redefined myself. I cast off “watching the parade pass me by” and starting interacting with the world around me. I began in earnest to continue learning on a professional level, on a personal level, on a hobby level. I reconnected with people who have been meaningful to me and cast off the rest to occupy the space of happy memories. I cleaned up my social media exposure to include the positive, the informative, the enriching, the spiritual, the mind-expanding. I tried to run, once. I made my way back to the gym, back to good health, and began seeking an awareness of others.

What I found is my experience these past few years has not been exclusive or unique. So many are struggling with feelings of isolation and aloneness, craving connection with people, with the world. Wondering where to find a friend, just one would be enough. Seeking adventure, the fullness of life and companionship in genuine individuals they can relate to. Disconnecting from relationships whose only interaction comes in the form of a screen.

In my 35^th year, I will build. I will build connections. Seek them out. Continue adding colors and patterns and textures and pictures to the canvas of Life. So when my Masterpiece is shown on funeral day, the first and second pew will be filled by those whose colors helped paint that canvas, whose colors I adored in life.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.