I always envisioned myself a seed that picks up with the wind and drifts.
Almost exactly one year ago, a physic medium on Bourbon Street told me as I was shuffling the tarot cards, "we create our destinies." She "reads the energies of the cards as I am putting them out into the universe." She then proceeded to tell me in one year's time my life would be completely different. Through it, I would find my life long happiness. I was a skeptic.
I met Jonny. The love of my life. A man I would never have noticed if it weren't for the intervention of a person who is now, someone we are both grateful to. He's the kind of man you dream of as a little girl growing up with fairytales; the one who will sweep you off your feet, move heaven and earth for you, protect and defend you and spend their life making yours better. He is Home no matter where we are. We are not perfect, together or as individuals; we are perfect for each other.
I gained six pounds last year in New Orleans. My fitness coach congratulated me. With my newly acquired six pounds of fat, I tipped the scales at a whopping 18% BMI. It felt good to work hard and it felt good to be strong, toned and "healthy." I ran everywhere I travelled and loved it. I worked out hard. This was the lifestyle for me. I walked a fine line of developing and preaching disordered eating. I am a foodie as true as ever there was one. Eating outside my meal plan gave me guilt. In my head, it was because I was dedicated. Until you are obsessing over macros and whether that extra rice cracker you ate will put you off track, it's hard to explain that kind of devotion verses mental instability.
If I were to see my coach again, he'd tell me I can do it. My BMI is at least 28% or above by now. Undergoing that transformation, I was the very definition of mental instability. My workout now is learning to love myself, even if my size 2 wardrobe sits in the closet indefinitely. Until one week ago if you had taken me to a mental health doctor I would've undoubtedly been diagnosed with depression. My body permanently broke on me last fall. I still don't have any definitive answers why. I spent six months rehabilitating in order to walk properly. It's only been a little over a month I've been "normal" again, already I've forgotten much of the struggle...until I try to do "normal" things. I may never run again. I have yet to graduate physical therapy but I am mobile and pain no longer rules my days. One day I'll be physically strong again. I had no idea what "strong" meant. The hardest workout will never compare to trying to raise your leg with all your effort or walk twenty feet to the toilet so you don't loose your dignity. It's a hard lesson. I am grateful every day now my lesson wasn't worse. You come out of it fighting or you give up. I gave up plenty of times.
The wind was full of changes. It snatched away my best friend when I needed her most. The friendship was already dwindling as my body began to break. I grieved as I stood by watching her grudge replace years of friendship. I chose to move on. There is nothing positive holding on to the past hoping for a different future. People change and so do I.
In a short time I'll be leaving behind a successful career filled with sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears. There have been as many disappointments as there have been victories. I gave it my all.
The wind hasn't subsided yet the wind has never led me astray, even when the conditions getting there are uncomfortable.
From healthy to broken, and wealthy to who-knows-what, I do know the path to happiness. The wind is blowing this little seed to greener pastures. Perhaps we create our destinies but maybe they are drifting with us in the wind.
