Guanxi

Recently I have been hearing a lot about social networks--not to be confused with social media (I'm referring to everything that happens offline.)  According to people who study this sort of thing in terms of psychology, economics, and to figure out why people can make more money than an entire country, a good social network is one of the keys to a successful life. So I did a brief survey in my head of my current social network. It is a tiered system: small and sturdy in the closest tier, all other relationships building into bigger tiers according to distance off of that base. Some people use a categorization social network system where each person gets placed into a box according to their role, each being utilized more or less according to their usefulness. And still others have what I call the “pinball” system. This system is exactly as it sounds. Social networking that rebounds haphazardly off anything, sometimes making connections and sometimes failing to hit anything.

I’ve been thinking a fair amount about the nature of my relationships with people. My relationship dynamic has changed. The older I get the more settled I become in my friendships. They age well. The more time passes, the finer they are. I don’t like peripheral friends much so, everyone who has made their way into my personal acquaintance, it’s an invitation to be friends. It seems a waste of effort to only know someone superficially. Good intentions aside, many times I’m too busy to put in ample effort. It’s up to the future social network member to move it past the initial stages. I always reciprocate which allows the relationship to build. That’s my relationship dynamic.  And, that’s the conclusion I’ve arrived at: I believe in an idea called Guanxi. It’s how you know the rules of reciprocation and the accompanying results and strategy. This is why I believe social networks are key to the successful life. Not only is there a system of exchange, but there is a system of exchange that builds positive interactions with people who support your emotional health.  

A few real life Case Studies.

Case Study #1:

Person A grows into position of Best Friend. Mutual building of friendship relationship for a year.  Separation begins due to lack of maintaining guanxi friendship. Conflict in personal ideals leads to “parenting” moments. Guanxi lost. Friendship dissolves into immaturity and indifference. Social networking becomes toxic and ceases.

Case Study #2:

Person B grows into position of Best Friend. Mutual building of friendship relationship for a year.  Separation begins due to lack of maintaining guanxi friendship. Behavioral conflict affected by individual incongruent perspectives. Guanxi lost. Person B initiates Guanxi exchange. Relationship rebuilds. Friendship strengthens into maturity and longevity. Social networking healthy and increases.

On the few occasions when I was sick in the village, I received a stream of visitors. […]I had to deal with well-meaning friends. On one such occasion I must have let my irritation show; one man said, “You should be so happy to have so many people embody concern.” “Why?” I asked. “Because if they didn’t embody concern, they wouldn’t be your friends anymore.”
-Producing Guanxi

The Singledom

Since the holidays are on fast forward this year, I thought I'd do a little blip on what I call The Singledom. This has been a recurring theme in my life recently so it deserves a spot on my blog. You can call this akin to the "married" or the "baby" blog. I'll try to keep this entertaining. Since I'm single this is the realm of my life: The Singledom.

I call being single Singledom for one good reason: It is my kingdom I am lord and master of.

We of the Singledom have a different life. We do things like travel to Morocco, buy really expensive shampoo, shop for luxury cars we couldn't possibly afford unless single while our friends shop for the quintessential minivan, eat out at a cozy sit-down we refer to as "fast food" while we laugh over all the crazy life stories of the week, get in our quality gym time every day, gather our friends for parties that extend until someone has to go to work 24 hours later, and go on dates simply because we're curious, not serious. We refer to the Significant Other as the S.O. or "that one guy" or "Texas with the Lexus." When things get serious we call it a success story. Then and only then does "Texas" earn his name in conversation. Tink's pixie dust fresh on our unchanging collar, we lack the baggy eyes, the stretch marks, the gray hairs, and frazzled expression of parenthood. But, inwardly, we are proud of those who made it to parenthood and wear it so well.

Our days are filled with work and social obligations. We rule the Singledom with a flick of the wrist. A single, one, person rule. Life is mostly comfortable here. Until our social obligations force us into the hunt. The Dating Game is a dangerous yet familiar one. We are calm as the onslaught begins. Causalities abound on this field. We weave, we dodge, and we parlay, and sometimes we engage the opponent in a game of cat and mouse. It's all muscle memory by now. Ally's at our back, we scan the grounds looking for the win. To be in the Singledom, the Win is elusive. If we find the Win, our reign of Singledom is over; leaving the Game as victors: scarred, tired, and euphoric while our friends look on.

My dear fellow," said the general, "have I not told you I always mean what I say about hunting? This is really an inspiration. I drink to a foeman worthy of my steel--at least." The general raised his glass, but Rainsford sat staring at him.
"You'll find this game worth playing," the general said enthusiastically. "Your brain against mine. Your woodcraft against mine. Your strength and stamina against mine. Outdoor chess! And the stake is not without value, eh?"
"And if I win--" began Rainsford huskily.
"I'll cheerfully acknowledge myself defeat if I do not find you by midnight of the third day," said General Zaroff.
-The Most Dangerous Game

THE SEEN

The year I went from the Scene to the Seen, "party" became a four-letter word.

The Diagnosis

I'm naturally shy so I combat what I call misdiagnosed conceitedness. It's not possible to be remotely attractive and shy. People mistake my Shy for being stuck-up unless I am the life of the party. And this leads people to believe I'm high maintenance. It's no-win.

California knows how to party. In the city of Compton, we keep it rockin'. Shake it Cali.

The Scene: In a former life, 'good times' involved dim lighting, loud music, a smorgasbord open 'bar' of soda and snacks and chilling and grooving with 100 other people you never met before to get a few new numbers. Peacocking is mandatory. SoCal influence hits up Utah hot.

The year I discovered making an appearance was a lot more fun than throwing the party I lost Social Statii. The older I get the less I like the Scene. My idea of a party these days involves a grill, sunscreen, Sangria, and 10 of my closest. That's my scene. No dancing, no partying, no mystery people, no keystone friends to invite so you can pimp your party to the right crowd.

The Symptoms

I hate mingling ever since my stint as an event planner. It was the never-ending dinner cruise in San Diego, dancing on the bar to YMCA with the servers at the Hard Rock in Phoenix, or those times in Chicago, Miami, or Seattle. All that forced "fun" mingling made me hate it. 

The Cure

I don't often do parties unless they include descriptors: Beach Party, Movie Night, World Cup, Suzanne Somers Summer Celebration. The more character, the more I am attracted. (That's a universal statement for me- houses, men, cars, friends, you name it.)

If I wanted to dance and get hit on repeatedly I'd go dancing. If I want to chill with 100 people I don't know, I'll go to a concert. If I want numbers, I'll flirt. If I want loud music and dim lights, I'll go to a movie. That's my scene.

I'm the Seen; seen mostly by the food table for an hour before I hit up the midnight showing.

I wonder if it isn't the same for all of us. Adulthood is a glacier encroaching quietly on youth. When it arrives, the stamp of childhood suddenly freezes, capturing us for good in the image of our last act, the pose we struck when the ice of age set in. -The Rule of Four 

Michael Hawley

I am always pensive this time of year. It’s beautiful where I live- the trees ablaze with color and the air breezing with the promise of winter. Recently my thoughts have turned to 2003, a year that changed the course of my life. I began a journey of a lifetime.

I was young then, only 21, and ruler of my universe. I was full of dreams and promise, and like every young twenty-something, finding myself. I dreamed of finding Mr. Tall, Dark, Rich and Handsome, of university and my studies, becoming independently wealthy and most of all- travelling the world with a backpack of my only possessions--adventuring my way through life.

I sat at the kitchen table reading my mother’s Discover magazine, lazily flipping the pages, until an interview with a man named Michael Hawley caught my attention. He was at MIT at that time, working on digital media. If anything, my brain soaks up anything relating to the world of innovation. The words that followed changed my life.

In the fall of 1979 I was walking across the Yale campus when I first ran into Bart Giamatti who was president then. He stopped me, and we had a freshman-to-president conversation. He asked me if I had a girlfriend yet. I said, “Yeah.” He said, “That’s pretty good. You’re not spending too much time in classes are you?”

I was expecting him to tell me to write neatly in my blue book and amortize my dad’s investment. Instead, he wanted to know how many friends I had. He said the most valuable thing I could do at Yale was to meet as many people as I could, whether they were classmates or teachers or visitors because behind every one of those faces was a different take on a vast world. He thought that understanding that and living that was the best way to be liberally educated. And he was living his advice talking to me.

Instantly my world aligned and everything in it fell into place. Michael Hawley eloquently put my Holy Grail into words. This was my legacy, my image of Success, and my dream. It was through people I would discover the world. It would take me another four years to change my major to Anthropology so that I could formally fully realize the depth and breadth of what it is that we call Humanity. I spent my days volunteering and getting to know all kinds of people. I set out on a journey to adventure my way across the span of what it means to be Human. Michael Hawley's spark grew as I journeyed until it raged; it was passion and obsession, an idea, and I understood it would take the rest of my life to complete.

I began to understand culture in a new light. It didn’t exist in exotic world travels. It existed everywhere around me. Culture wasn’t a place, it was people. People weren’t a place, they were a culture. I soaked up everything I could learn from anyone. It took me on many journey’s through all kinds of lives that have been lived.

I have met all sorts of people. All as valuable as the last. I’ve logged more miles than many seasoned travelers in my own backyard. I’ve sat and talked with people from all walks of life. From each I learned something new. Slowly, I am seeing the world the way I was meant to see it: through the eyes of those who have experienced it in a different way than I. Their stories are profound, silly, sorrowful and endearing. I have barely begun this journey; soon it will take me to Asia and after that, who knows? This is the journey of my life and I will spend the rest of it in pursuit of this adventure.

Do not therefore consider this life as an object of any moment. Look back on the immense gulf of time already past; and forwards, to that infinite duration yet to come, and you will find how trifling the difference is between a life of three days and of three ages. 

Let us then employ properly this moment of time allotted us by fate, and lave the world contentedly; like a ripe olive dropping from its stalk, speaking well of the soil that produced it, and of the tree that bore it.-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Out of Stock Series

The Out of Stock series: 

Version 1.0. A former, younger me. A version that's out of stock. Permanently.

Whiskey

I run into Whiskey on the coldest days. She's gray and sand and holds her back paw tightly up. It was damaged when a car hit her years ago. Whiskey and I usually size each other up and walk our own directions when we meet. Maybe she does that with everyone. She's become a regular though most visitors stop and stare at her from behind their cars. Whiskey's big for a coyote, she's beautiful, that's why people stop. She also blends in with the dusk-light and snow so I usually don't see her until it's too late for me to avoid her. I'm spellbound when I see her. Today was no exception. It was the perfect way to begin the new year I have named: 20!!: Year of the Nomad. It will be an adventurous year-- one to break the bad year streak I've been having the last number of years-- I predict....ok, I hope. No resolutions, just one a prediction. May it come true. Whiskey started my year.