I am rapidly approaching 35. Since my birthday falls in
February I become reflective in January, spurred on by the heavy New Year’s
Resolution campaigns waging war on my social media feeds. It’s amazing how
proportionally unbalanced my life has become with the advent of social media.
These days, it is my primary source of information. Information about views,
opinions, how friends and acquaintances are; and the occasional stalking of a former
Frenemy to see what’s happened to them over the years (to validated if my life
path has somehow proved better.)
In the last five years I’ve become a recluse, far more
isolated from the relationships and activities that used to define my daily
life. It began like most things do, unobtrusively. It hid in places such as the
busy-ness of a hospitality career, hours spent in the gym, missed rsvp’s to
activities then weddings then baby showers. I began to wonder if I had become
hidden in the background of everyone’s lives. Present yet forgotten. Then there
were no more rsvp’s, my posts received a handful of likes, my phone battery
stayed charged for days, birthday texts instead of birthday visits.
Then Jonny- stalwart and kind- arrived in my life and pulled me from my slump, just in time to
keep watch while I battled my own health problems and life struggles for a
time. I became guarded in my personal life. I didn’t seek to join or belong to any
communities in the small social space I occupied. I preferred not to cultivate
relationships among peers. Especially work. That avenue had long turned
bitter and sour--no longer ever an outlet. So I turned inward.
I read quotes all the time about how our history is not our
future; who we have been, is not who we need to be now. I’ve long believed we are
always on a path of creating who we are. We are constantly evolving into a new
person. What we surround ourselves with, are influenced by, these forces are
always molding us.
For a time, much longer than I should've allowed myself "this is just a bad year", I felt disappointment at my life’s path, at the
seclusion I experienced. Those cumulative excuses and reasons over the years added up to a new, reclusive me I didn't want to be. Sadness descended at the
realization two things pivotal to measuring Success were sources of shame.
Thinking of marriage, those I invited wouldn’t fill the space of even my favorite
room- the kitchen. Thinking far into the future of my funeral, I
imagined heads randomly clustered amongst the third, fourth and fifth pews, the first
and second empty (in my religion, we shy away from sitting in the front rows
when we can help it.)
My Masterpiece is in
danger of being painted missing the whole width and breath of the rainbow.
People are the color in which the canvas of my life is painted. Their
experiences, their lives, all the wins and all the losses,their way of seeing the world enriches me, inspires
me to create a rich and vivid picture of life to be shared. This is my legacy, the
Success I seek.
As an introvert, I don’t like being overly social. I prefer
meaningful exchanges with people. I've had to sacrifice as much as I've gained to exchange a busy schedule for a slower life
filled with time to reflect, cook, spend time with people I care about, go on a
trip, work on hobbies and take a nap if I so choose. This is how I want to live
my life.
In my 34th year, I redefined myself. I cast off “watching
the parade pass me by” and starting interacting with the world around me. I
began in earnest to continue learning on a professional level, on a personal level,
on a hobby level. I reconnected with people who have been meaningful to me and
cast off the rest to occupy the space of happy memories. I cleaned up my social media exposure to include the
positive, the informative, the enriching, the spiritual, the mind-expanding. I
tried to run, once. I made my way back to the gym, back to good health, and
began seeking an awareness of others.
What I found is my experience these past few years has not been
exclusive or unique. So many are struggling with feelings of isolation and
aloneness, craving connection with people, with the world. Wondering where to
find a friend, just one would be enough. Seeking adventure, the fullness of
life and companionship in genuine individuals they can relate to. Disconnecting
from relationships whose only interaction comes in the form of a screen.
In my 35th year, I will build. I will build
connections. Seek them out. Continue adding colors and patterns and textures and
pictures to the canvas of Life. So when my Masterpiece is shown on funeral day, the first and second pew will be filled by those whose colors
helped paint that canvas, whose colors I adored in life.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.
