Saving Christmas

Against all odds, the Christmas I hoped never to remember has become one I will never forget.

I've lost track of days now. It’s slightly past midnight as I write so Christmas is officially over. I rolled the Christmas Spirit of the season into the last few hours of Dec 25^th. It came late but it came.

I've long loved the holidays. They begin in October for me and last through New Year’s. As I've grown older they've become more difficult. It began a few years back when I discovered my occupation meant I spent the holidays working. It was difficult at first but as the years have gone on, it’s gotten more and more upsetting. For me, the holidays are about spending and making memories with friends and family. Imagine my surprise when I discovered not only would I spend them this year at work but I would spend every one working overtime. I don’t know how many hours I've worked this week. Maybe 80. It’s all a blur to me now. All I knew is I would be living at work, out of a hotel room; my last shred of holiday cheer crushed when I discovered late Christmas Eve it would be spent at work, again, to be available to work even earlier the next morning while the roads were shut because of a major storm. I was inconsolable. I cried. Maybe because of stress or the long hours working hard, feeling more alone as each day wore on--I wept at being trapped in a world of cold snow. My director could see I was deeply discouraged and told me to stop whatever I was doing and go rest. So, I had a few hours to myself on Christmas Eve. I had a fireplace and a beautiful snowy wonderland outside my window. I was miserable. I was alone.

A few days earlier my sister and brother in law made the trek to my work to visit and they brought me a Christmas present. Knowing I was trapped there and not able to come to the annual Christmas Eve gathering, they came. It touched my heart and I kept their gift out as a reminder during my stay. I treasure nothing more than I treasure my family.

My friends are very near and dear to me. They have been a godsend more times than I can count. It’s been the last three years I've been lucky enough to find friends who have become family.  Tonight, a dear friend’s family was visiting as I showed up at their house, my car dead after my long absence. I had been dropped off by my brother who was kind enough to store it for me while I was working. As I walked in they all wished me a Merry Christmas and welcomed me with hugs and kind words. They didn't know at the moment, between the loneliness and the despair of missing the holidays, that to see a family together, welcoming me with open arms, was nothing short of a miracle. It saved Christmas.While I couldn't be home with my family, I had family to spend Christmas with.

Santa, I was told last night you were the Christmas spirit. I was sure you would miss me this year. Thank you for saving Christmas.

Movin' On

There was a song a few years back by Rascal Flatts called Movin’ On. I remember it vividly. I lived those lyrics, every one. The day I heard it on the radio, I left town.  

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't

Stopped to fill up on my way out of town

I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't

I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I moved to a new place and for about 6 months, life was one fantastic, exciting adventure to all but drown out my past. Until it fell apart and I moved again. Then the wind came whispering at my window and I moved on a whim. It turned out right and took me to another new place after. I got rid of most things I had collected through the years and kept only what I could fit in my small room. I sold my Jeep and began driving around my mom’s spare 1998 Mazda truck. My gutless wonder.  It was an effort in faith that if I could be free from all that binds me, I’d be happy one day. A true nomad. I haven't found the happiness I'm seeking. My job is highly stressful, long hours and keeps me away from friends and family. My time with them is precious and priceless, they are what matters. Work consumes my life. On the surface, it gets me status points I care less about. They aren't worth the price I've paid. I give them away, it’s the least I can do to repay my friends and family for all the times I am absent and half-crazed with stress. I thought a non-relationship might be the key. The freedom to simply be without the worry. Eventually, it found me and someone to fill the role. It came with an upsetting discovery: I couldn't stop myself, I'm utterly sold on Guy Freedom. Suddenly I realized my mom was right when she wrote to me this afternoon, “don’t be afraid to let go.”

To the sea of eyes in that great void that will never read this post--wish me luck. 

There comes a time in everyone's life

When all you can see are the years passing by

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I'm movin' on.