I recently read about how the longest-living and happiest people are those with strong social networks. Whether that’s provided by the community they live in, family or friends.
As I age, the more troubling I find my birthday’s. I was never supposed to get old. I am reminded of all I am not, of how my once-bright masterpiece is fading into muted tones, having less and less faces to fill it.
I always imagined my wedding day would involve a crowd, in the very least, a few close friends. As I find myself engaged, I am quickly approaching a life event full of the faces reflected throughout my 36-years of work on my life’s masterpiece. I wonder what faces of my masterpiece will be there at the end of my days. Isn’t this the true testiment of a successful, well-lived, well-loved life?
I’m afraid. Anxiety fills my sleep. The parade is marching on, passing me over. Present but looked over like a shadow. By all my community, family and friends. I am deeply loved and remembered by just one. It should be enough. I am deeply blessed. As for all the rest of a social network, I am isolated in a world of people who have floated away from me. I don’t know how to fix it. I have only myself to blame. I don’t crave a social schedule, I crave a place where I am remembered, a place I can give to, a place where there’s always a seat at the table waiting for me whenever I need to fill my heart and my soul.
And to you, this empty space filled with nothingness of eyes to see it, the new medium painting the canvas of my life, thanks for reading.
